Just One Half
by BadWolfBeauty
Summary: Integra would never show it, but she is broken after Alucard's disappearance. She has lost more than anyone could possibly know, maybe even Alucard himself. This is the story of what she was given, what she lost, and what happens when Alucard finally returns thirty years later. Technically canon. Kind of wacky, sad, and super imaginative. Ends happy because I'm a sucker for that.
1. Integra Accepts

**To anyone who was expecting a "Heart of the TARDIS" update, PLEASE don't hate me!**

**I have a little bit of writer's block right now. I know what direction I want to move the story in, but I'm just not quite there yet, and as much I want to force the story to move forwards, I've tried that before and I ****_know_**** it's not pretty. You all are so wonderful and you deserve better than that.**

**In addition, I'm a point in the story where I need to watch the show as I'm writing due to it still being mostly canon at this time. Later, it will be easier to write on the go (long car trips, anyone?) when I don't need Netflix. ;)**

**So... as a result, for now I'm starting on a new idea as it's fresh. I WILL continue "Heart of the TARDIS," so please don't freak out. I just need some time and space.**

**...**

***snicker* Geddit?**

* * *

**Anyways... ****_Hellsing_****! My new obsession. To all of you in the ****_Hellsing_**** fandom and ****_not_**** in the ****_Doctor Who_**** fandom, just ignore that little apology-explanation-thing.**

**It won't happen here. *wink* (It will. It always does. Deal with it. At least I'm honest.)**

**Anywayzzzzz I ship AlucardxIntegra sooooo hard. So that's what you're getting.**

**This story is just so out-there (it's borderline crack, except it's not funny; it's kind of tragic) that I think it deserves some kind of explanation. Sometimes, when I watch/read/hear/absorb things, I make up weird background stories in my head - like the kind of stuff that could potentially happen behind the scenes. "What if while *this* was happening, Jamie was secretly stealing all the candy in the world while Ophelia was having her mid-life crisis about 20 years early? But nobody knew about it."**

**That's how my brain works. Unfortunately for you, it's all very interesting.**

**So run. Run before I drag you into this. RUN.**

**...**

**So you haven't ran yet. Fine, your choice.**

**I came up with this while watching OVA X, for anyone who is interested. You may see some scenes make an appearance at some point, and in some crazy way, it might make sense. Let's begin...**

* * *

_Night._

_The air is cool. Not in the way that chills a person's bones, frosts up a window, slows the world down. It runs over the stretches of tile, wood, marble, great expanses of floor and wall, the desks, the chairs, the curtains. Everything is vibrating with energy, swinging, swaying, bouncing, ruffling. The world is painted by a soft blue shadow, but the whole house is filled with blinding energy of yellow, white, and pink. It is as if the day has just begun; there is so much more to do, so much more that can be done before it passes away in silence._

_Perhaps that's why Integra is still there, hard at work. She never stops. She never rests._

_She doesn't even truly think. After all, everything is done so automatically. Stamp. Sign. Fold. Stuff. Seal. Stamp. Stack. Countless letters and forms are neatly piled, made ready to ship out in the morning. Integra's movements are mechanical; ten years of this same process have trained her fingers well. Her mind drifts. She does not notice the stir just outside the door._

_Her pet vampire swirls in a torment of clouds, smoke, and blood. One second he is there, one second he is not. He disappears and leaves so quickly that he hardly has a form. He is neither there, nor not there. He cannot make up his mind, and yet it does not faze him in the slightest. He has an important decision to make, but his grin does not betray it._

Night.

Integra couldn't help but think that it was much like another night, thirty years ago. The moon streaked through the windows, tinting everything a pale washed-out blue. The air was cold, and yet always moving. It made her sad, and at the same time, she felt alive.

She sighed and pushed her glasses back on her nose. She could remember a time when her thoughts would wander so easily, when she would wonder about the future, think about what it would be to live another's life. Silly thoughts that passed through her mind and gave her some ease from the stress of the position she held. Now? She was only taken back to the past. Memories that would better be forgotten.

As if not to repeat past events, to avoid new pain, the Hellsing Organization's leader put down the pen with another sigh. There was a time where she would have pushed herself further. Today, she was tired. Today, she was an old woman.

Sighing one final time, she placed her feet on the cold floor, and forced them away from the large stack of papers that had not yet been sorted through.

_The door creaks._

_Integra reluctantly pulls her eyes away from her desk to look across the room. A large grin greets her._

_"Hello, Alucard." Her voice is emotionless, but a smirk tugs at the corners of her mouth. "You may enter."_

_"Integra," he purrs, melting into the room like the Cheshire Cat he is._

_"What brings you here to interrupt my work? Walter's already given you blood." Again, she clips her words, but her eyes are amused and her head is tilted in a way that could even be described as playful._

_He still smiles as he informs her, "I am troubled."_

_"Oh?" This time, Integra's face gives the impression that she is uninterested in what her vampire has to say, but her voice betrays her curiosity in Alucard's bluntness. "Why?"_

_He faces the window, grins at no one, grins at the night. "I am one-of-a-kind."_

_"Hmph. That's how we like it," Integra replies. Her attention has now been lost. She turns back to her papers._

_"Hmph," he copies. "Not when we're on your side."_

_Alucard has recaptured Integra's gaze, and this time, she pushes out her chair and stares at him intently, glasses flashing in the moonlight. "You don't intend on making Seras like you." It is not a question._

_"Police girl?" His grin stretches further. "I couldn't if I tried."_

_"Well, I'm not letting you bite anyone if that's what you're asking." There is fire in her eyes._

_The vampire chuckles. "Not at all." He leans against the glass, and peers over the crook over his arm to meet her eyes. "I require an heir."_

_The flame blows out, and suddenly, the air is still and the room is cold. Integra can see the edges of her glasses fog._

_"An heir? You don't plan on dying, do you?" Her voice catches. She cannot imagine the danger to Hellsing if its protector was to be eliminated._

_"One must always be prepared. If I am to die, one from my bloodline should take my place."_

_"And how does that work?" she asks, amused once more, leaning on her desk. "You are dead."_

_"Undead," he corrects, raising his eyebrows. "I have many ways of creating vampires, though it is much easier to make them not of my own blood. To achieve that, I need either a very strong Draculina, or a human virgin."_

_"So it'll be the Police Girl's?"_

_He snorts. "Not a chance. She is not powerful enough, nor is she a No Life King."_

_"Then I suppose you have chosen a wife - mate? Partner?" She searches for the correct word with little success._

_Alucard turns away from the window and walks around her desk to face Integra. "No. I'm currently conducting a search."_

_"And you've been unsuccessful thus far, I assume," she replies, lining up her papers and placing them neatly in the drawer. Alucard nods. "Don't look so surprised, Count. Few young women would trust a vampire and even fewer would give their virginity to one." She pops a cigar in her mouth, lights it, and draws the smoke into her lungs deeply, as if it is the last time she will ever be able to participate in the unhealthy activity. "Very few," she puffs._

_He clicks his tongue and hisses through his teeth. "That is not necessary. It doesn't work like that."_

_Integra is intrigued. "No?" She puffs her cigar and looks at him intently. He leans on the edge of the desk and grins; she studies him carefully. Silence._

_Integra moves to put her cigar in its ashtray. It hovers over her desk for a moment, until her mind is made up. She sticks it back into her mouth._

_"I'm not giving up my cigars."_

_"That would not be necessary either-" Alucard suddenly sweeps backwards and laughs hysterically. He is now clothed in shadows, but his glasses and grin catch the little light that meet them. "I was not suggesting that my Master should volunteer herself, but rather asking for permission to add to our ranks." His smile is wide._

_Integra stands and glides over to the window. Her coat and shining blonde hair flare behind her._

_"You will not find anyone, Alucard. No human will be willing, and there are no true Draculinas."_

_She pauses and puffs on her cigar._

_"It is safe for the 'volunteer?'"_

_"Naturally."_

_"Smoking will not harm your heir?"_

_"No."_

_"No virgin will be violated?"_

_"Never."_

_"And the ranks of Hellsing will be made more powerful."_

_"Our power will be nearly doubled, my Master."_

_Integra turns towards her servant calmly, but her mind is spinning._

The door creaked.

Integra's mind was spinning.

She listened for the sound of a predator. Someone was in her room, and the silence that shrieked louder than any noise told her that it was not Seras. Her hand inched under her pillow and it wrapped around her pistol. Her finger was on the trigger.

She was ready.

_She is ready._

_"I have nothing to lose and everything to gain," Integra clarifies._

_"You would sacrifice your honor? Let it be known that you have helped in the making of a new vampire?"_

_Integra smirks. "Let it be _known_? Why Alucard, what makes you think that would happen? I will fabricate a proper cover once it is necessary."_

_His deep laugh fills the room once more, and it lingers. "You are smart, Master. And brave." He bows deeply. "This is what makes you Hellsing's true and only leader."_

_Integra merely gazes over her eyeglasses. There is no need for the vampire to tell her what she already knows. "What do I have to do?" she asks bluntly._

_"It is an exchange of power. Your blood for my lives."_

_She reaches for the envelope opener; Alucard's gloved hand stops her own._

_"Silver blades," he informs her. "Blessed." Smoke rises off as he draws one from his coat._

_"Alucard," she breathes sharply. "You said it was safe."_

_"For you. But do not worry, Master. I will be swift, and little harm will come to me."_

_He kneels at her feet, face level with her abdomen. Her coat and suit jacked fall to the floor, and she unfastens the bottom three buttons of her shirt. Somehow, Integra knows exactly what to do._

_"It will only graze the surface," he informs her, and she nods, wishing he would stop telling her what she is already knowledgeable of. Blood beads from the light pentagram is carefully being drawn on the smooth skin of her belly. Integra can smell the burning of Alucard's flesh. 'Hurry,' she thinks. 'Don't worry about hurting me. I am strong.'_

_Alucard smiles and she is almost completely sure he has read her thoughts. He confirms it as he responds, 'I know.' The last line is drawn, and the flings the knife to the ground. Red flesh shows through the numerous holes that have appeared in his gloves. Integra can sense the intensity of his pain, but his silly grin is still plastered all over his face._

_For once, Alucard does not drink. Integra's blood pulls away from her body, and he absorbs it through his skin, purring as he does so. Both of their wounds heal, leaving light pink marks in their place._

_"My Master, I ask once more for your permission."_

_"It is granted," she responds without hesitation. She throws her burnt-out cigar to the ground._

_Smoke seeps through Alucard's pores, swirling like a summer storm. Its black fingers reach out and grab at her flesh. It is raw and stinging. Integra inhales sharply as it forces its way through her skin, but her face does not betray any pain._

_"How does this work?" she demands, her voice containing the slightest edge of strain._

_"My heir begins as solely a part of myself," he informs her. "As time goes on, it will slowly become more of you. When it is ready to be born, it will be equally half and half, like a normal human child."_

_"It is not."_

_He merely chuckles._

_Suddenly the pain ceases, but Integra can feel herself pale ever so slightly. "I feel it."_

_"Not normal," he smirks._

_"Not... physically." Her eyes are wide. "But I can feel..."_

_Alucard explains, "Some of my life is inside of you. This child feeds off me as much as it does you." He laughs. She can feel his breath._

He opened his mouth. She could feel his breath.

_And she can finally pinpoint what it is._

She finally knew.

_She can feel his presence._

She could sense his presence.

_Alucard's life is inside of her._

Alucard was there.

* * *

**So, that might be a lot to take in. I'll let you digest that.**

**I realize I'm probably breaking every rule in writing this, but I honestly don't care. The rules of _Hellsing_ are so complicated that I *think* it's allowed.**

**And technically, it's canon! Because all of this *could* have happened behind-the-scenes.**

**But yeah, I really don't know what my brain was doing.**

**Please review! Expect a new chapter, hopefully sometime soon.**

**And please don't hate me for this. :p**


	2. Integra Fights

**You probably already knew this, but the _italicized_ sections take place in the past. They are part of Integra's memories; everything in regular text takes place after Alucard comes home. It is the present.**

**Enjoy. Except you won't because it'll break your heart. (Hmmm does that sound abridged-Anderson-y to anyone?)**

**But it won't break your heart as much as the next chapter will.**

* * *

_"Walter, how long before the aircraft is ready?"_

_"In just a few minutes, Sir."_

_"Good." Integra adjusts her glasses and smooths down her suit jacket. She touches her glasses once more, somewhat impatiently. "Could you step outside until then? I want to know the moment it is ready."_

_"Of course, Sir. That should not be an issue."_

_"Thank you, Walter."_

_The second the door shuts, leaving master and servant in the deserted hallway, Integra leans against the wall and groans, gently massaging her temples. Alucard merely chuckles._

_"What a mess," she grumbles._

_Alucard responds with, "Headache?"_

_He receives a glare. "Yes, thanks to you." She is granted another chuckle in return._

_There is a wisp of smoke, and the vampire is suddenly right in front of her, tugging at a button on her jacket. "This is starting to get awfully tight. You won't be able to hide much longer, Integra."_

BAM_. In half a second, she's drawn her pistol and shot the vampire clean between the eyes._

_"This is exactly the kind of thing that I'm talking about," she fumes as he cackles maniacally._

_Of course, he's right, and that only manages to infuriate her even more. It has been over three and a half months since she agreed to carry Alucard's heir, and indeed, she won't be able to pretend for much longer that nothing is out of the ordinary. Her blouse and jacket now sit awkwardly on her frame and every morning she finds it more difficult to button up her trousers. Alucard's lighthearted jab at her is only a painful reminder of the cold zipper pressed tightly against her abdomen. It pisses her off._

_Alucard stands, forehead still smoking. "There was no need for that. I was simply going to ask if you'd found a cover yet."_

_"Of course I bloody haven't. If you haven't noticed, I have more important things to worry about, mainly getting _you_ across an ocean."_

_He approaches as she speaks, hand reaching out. She flinches away, her usual reaction to any form of physical contact, and stops his hand with her own. Alucard mocks offense as he asks, "What? Am I not allowed to greet my own child?"_

_Integra looks at him cautiously before pulling his fingers towards her with her own. Her own palm is the only one directly over her belly; it acts as a shield between the vampire's overeager touch and her personal space. There is a beat of silence as each individual thinks. They have not had a moment to discuss the heir since the night that they brought it into existence, and at any time, Alucard would be sent away to destroy a Nazi vessel, dodging any magic bullets that came his way. Time was ticking, and there was too much to say._

_Finally, Integra settles for, "This child. It is truly half-human?_

_"I believe that was implied."_

_She shakes her head. "Perhaps, but that doesn't make it any more believable."_

_"What?" he asks. "Is this not what you expected?"_

_Expected? She hadn't known what to expect. Alucard had barely explained a thing, disappearing mere minutes after performing the strange ritual that had created his heir. Integra should be frustrated, but she finds herself tired instead. This war is wearing her out, and this is not the time to start a fight. She takes a deep breath and pushes the past behind her._

_"It's certainly not as I read about it."_

_"Ah, but that's good, isn't it?"_

_"The experience is certainly more pleasant. Not much sickness, plenty of energy. And as long as I still get these-" she pulls her cigars out of her pocket and waves them in the air, "-I'm fairly content."_

_There is another pause as the tall blonde woman gathers her thoughts. "Alucard, this is truly my offspring as much as it is yours, correct?"_

_"At the present, the life is mostly maintained by myself, with all due respect," he smirks. "But yes, by the time of its birth, it will be precisely half of each of us."_

_"Then it is also my heir." There is no question in her tone. "Heir to the Hellsing Organization."_

_Alucard lets out a booming laugh, and snakes his arms around her waist. "If that is what you wish, Sir."_

_"Hmph," she pushes herself out of his grasp. He grins. Sir Integra has never stood for his nonsense, and yet he believes he has never seen her so tolerant of it either._

_It seems she has ended the conversation not a moment too soon. A door opens, flooding their hallway with light, and Walter pokes his head out. "Sir Integra, Alucard; the aircraft is nearly ready. I would advise that Alucard prepare himself for flight."_

_"A minute, Walter," she responds curtly, glasses flashing. When she finally turns around, clothed in darkness once more as the butler retreats, Alucard sees something in her bright blue eyes that he can't quite recognize._

_"Tell me the truth, Alucard." Her voice is soft. "This is war, isn't it?"_

_"I should think so, Master."_

_She turns and her yellow hair follows gracefully as she clenches her teeth around a new cigar. She lights it and hesitates again before stating, "You expect to die."_

_He laughs. "Hardly."_

_Integra spins once more and fumes towards him, backing him into a wall. She is so close that he could steal her cigar with just his teeth._

_Huffing smoke in his face she says, "I am done playing games, Alucard. I've had some time to think long and hard about this. Don't tell me you woke up one morning and thought, 'Hmmm, I think I'd like to have a son.' You are expecting to _die_. Now you're going to tell me _why_ you think that, or I'll make sure of it!" Her eyes are furious and she grinds her teeth, nearly crushing the cigar between them._

_"Ha. Someone's got some bad hormones."_

_She shoots him again, bullet hitting the exact same spot as the time before. He slides down the wall, leaving a bloody streak behind him._

_"You never could take a joke, Master," Alucard sighs, hitting cold concrete with a dull _thud_._

_"And you could never deliver a punchline properly." She sits on her haunches next to him, pressing the gun to his head. She knows it won't do a thing to Alucard, at least not physically, but he finally seems to understand the gravity of the situation, and the grin fades. "Alucard, before you go, you need to tell me why you fear your death. I need to know everything. How do you know you're going to die? What do I need to prepare Hellsing for?" Her voice is commanding, yet urgent. "Is there something big out there that has the power to kill you? And then others?"_

_Alucard holds out a hand and she reluctantly takes it. Together they stand._

_"That's just it, Master. I know I'm _not _going to die." She raises an eyebrow. __"I have the knowledge that I am nearly indestructible. I also have the knowledge that I have faced far more powerful enemies before this time."_

_"So?" she snaps. "If that's the case, why decide to produce an heir? Why now? If you're not going to die-" He presses a finger to her lips. She yells a very muffled, "Alucard!"_

_"It's a feeling," he grins. "I'm terribly excited."_

_"That's it?!"_

_He lets out a booming laugh. "You know I love a good fight, Integra."_

_"A bit too much," she adds crossly, pushing his hand away from her face and placing her hands on her hips, although a small smile betrays her amusement._

_"Indeed. And it's not a good fight-"_

_"-Unless it's dangerous," she finishes for him, eyes wide._

_"Precisely."_

_There is silence once more, and Integra adjusts her suit jacket. She puts out her cigar._

_"But you're too late," she finishes, lighting a fresh one._

_Every last trace of a grin is erased from Alucard's face. "What?"_

_Integra's eyes hold yet another odd expression. Sympathy, maybe? "You're too late, aren't you Alucard? War wasn't supposed to come this fast. Your child was supposed to be born before it started, or at least soon after."  
_

_"About the heir, you did say 'son,' hmmm?" He turns, avoiding the question. "You specifically said that we were getting a son."_

_"Alucard," she warns._

_"I don't see how the timing is relevant, _Sir._" The title is spoken through his teeth as he whirls back around, almost as his own warning that she's going too far. His eyes are scarlet._

_Integra ignores his tone, instead choosing to state the facts. "You said it yourself; I don't support the child by myself. At this point in time, your lives are keeping it alive, and my blood is sustaining you by filling the hole those lives have left. If you die..." She looks over the edge of her glasses pointedly, choosing not to say the gruesome truth aloud._

_"The aircraft is waiting. I believe you said, 'Search and Destroy?'" he asks, ignoring what Integra has just said. She doesn't care. His reluctance to respond just proves what she knows._

_"Search and Destroy, Alucard," she sighs. He grins, heading for the door, but she catches him by the wrist, wishing to tell him something in what could be their last moment alone._

_"Alucard." They lock eyes, both pairs filled with determination. "You are not to die. That's an order."_

_He dares to respond, "The same to you, Integra." She doesn't shoot him. Instead, she smirks and pulls down on the corners of her suit jacket and tries to smooth it out before stepping into the light. "That's an interesting habit you've picked up in the past few weeks," he comments while running his gloved palms down his own front, mimicking her actions with a cocky grin._

_This time she does put a third bullet between his eyes._

She put ten bullets into him, not caring where they went. The second he was well away from her, she leaped out of bed towards the light switch, but Seras had already beaten her to it. She squinted at the dark figure, not truly believing what she saw, the bright light along with her lack of glasses hindering her sight._  
_

He chuckled, dark tendrils of smoke wriggling around him. It was really him, and yet her mind could still not quite wrap around that, nor could her heart come to terms with it.

_"What a violent farewell." They are his last words to her before he boards the plane._

"What a violent welcome." They were his first words to her after coming home. "And _you're_ noisy as always," he directed towards Seras.

Integra fell back onto the bed as his fledgling exclaimed, "Master!"

The older woman was suddenly quiet and moody. "Late homecoming, eh, Alucard? What were you doing?" She couldn't help but think, 'If you weren't dead, then why did you disappear to begin with?'

_"Don't fuck with me!" Integra barks. She rarely allows herself to lose her cool like this, but at the moment, she doesn't care. Everything has led up to this moment. It came so quickly, and yet she has literally come to a dead stop. She's run into a wall, a wall of glass._

_And the way the Major talks sets her on edge. He's so calm and collected, the way _she_ is when she knows she's about to win._

_But he can't. He won't. She will not allow it!_

_"Now let's see..." he says, reaching for a remote as casually as if he was turning on the television._

_He does._

_The entire wall lights up behind her and Integra spins to look at the huge image of Alucard, wild grin on his face as always. Integra can't help but think, 'Really, Alucard? You took on the form of a girl?" It doesn't look right, for more reasons than just that one. The whole scene is wrong. Foreboding._

_"This is something that hasn't happened in one hundred years!" the Major narrates. "1898 was the last time it happened!" Integra looks up at the image, wide eyes following the streams of blood, teeth clenched._

_The Major continues, "Nosferatu Alucard will disappear. Cease to exist! That's why!"_

_The tall woman's heart skips a beat. "What?!"_

_"This is a delicious meal to eat," claims Alucard onscreen. Blood whirls around him and he soaks it up, just as he did on that night..._

_"Now, shall we do it, Walter?" he asks, and it is all wrong. The arrogance in his voice and the delight on his face don't truly belong. Something terrible is about to happen, and Integra wants to scream something at him. But what would she say? What is there to say?__  
_

_"My fight cannot end yet because of luck," murmurs a young Walter, bleeding from the mouth, and Integra would not admit it, but she can hardly stand to see his suffering. "Not by luck! Major, stop this! Stop this, Major!" he shouts._

_"It's already started," the man behind the glass responds calmly. "It's too late; you can't change anything."_

_"It's too late now, idiot!" grins Alucard before Walter splits him open. His body peels into two halves, almost like a banana. Integra knows it isn't over yet, but the whole scene is surreal._

_"Everything is too late now," says the Major. "You can no longer win against him. Your last chance is gone, forever. It was given away, one of the only two chances to defeat Alucard."_

_'Then what is the second?' Integra wonders to herself as she grinds her teeth._

_"1898 was one of them," the Major continues to tell Walter. "But this time... An organized army of one thousand vampires. Three thousand crusaders of the Ninth Crusade. And Iscariot. And the werewolf. And Anderson... And the people you worked with until now. They were all sacrificed for this moment. The moment when killing Alucard will be possible. Even then, it seems you couldn't reach him, and it stops here._

_"Right now, just how many lives did he consume? One million? _Two_ million? You can't win anymore! Your life has become worthless!"_

_The Major stops as Alucard moves forward and grabs the front of Walter's coat. "Stop spacing out, brat! Don't you realize you've lost? How many more chances are needed?" Alucard is smug. "Anderson couldn't beat me, so a fucking brat like you couldn't defeat me either, even after fifty - no, five _hundred_ years. Am I right?"_

_"Ah, but you can't win, Alucard," says the Major. "I've won. You lose, Alucard!" he shouts._

_"Who? Me? _Los_e?" Alucard scoffs. In a split second, he has transformed back into his adult male form. Integra can't help but feel ever so slightly safer._

_"I've lost, you say? I'll be defeated by you guys, you say?" He looks towards his master. "Sir Hellsing! I absolutely cannot lose!" Suddenly, he is in his true form. "Never!"_

_But in another split second, he shrinks back down into a tiny girl. Integra bites her lip as she and the Major hear him exclaim, "What is this? What am I looking at?"_

_A feeling of dread forms in the pit of her stomach._

_"What is this place?" The vampire seems to be going insane. "That's right," he breathes. "That's what it was. That time, too... It was sunrise like this. The scene of my death..." Integra flinches at the word. "... It was always right here. And I always try to remember if the sunlight was ever this beautiful."_

_A smoky tendril bursts from the right side of his body and the red eyes of all his lives spread it is they flow out of his body like a river and dissolve in the air. Integra is entranced and horrified all at once. She jumps as the Major snaps his fingers. "Over. It's all over," the fat man says smugly. "Life is just a changing silhouette."_

_Integra exclaims, "What?" as the eye on the palm of Alucard's hand closes its lids. "What's going on? What did you do?!"_

_"I have done nothing," responds the Major cryptically. Integra gasps, feeling anger, pain, and even fear all at once. Her throat burns and her stomach flips._

_"He absorbed the life of Schr__ö_dinger," he explains. "Schr_ödinger killed himself to defeat Alucard; he exists as the "Cheshire Cat," jumping through an uncertain world. He is everywhere and nowhere._

___"But now, he is dissolving in millions of lives and consciences. He can no longer recognize himself. So what happens?" he asks rhetorically. "He is no longer anywhere. He is no longer alive, nor is he dead. Now, Alucard is just a group of imaginary numbers."  
_

___"Alucard!" Integra shouts as his eyes begin to close._

He blinked as the last of the smoke cleared away, and he began to speak as he opened his eyes. "I kept on killing my own lives inside of me," the vampire explained with a satisfied grin. "3,424,867. I kept killing them until there weren't any left. I killed them _all_... Except one. And now I'm here. Now, I'm everywhere and nowhere. That's why I'm here."

_"Don't close your eyes," she orders. "Open your eyes!" Her voice is a mix between a yell and a moan. She can't stop the quiver in her lip._

_The eye on Alucard's chest slowly shuts. A single tear drips from one of Integra's own, and it slides down her cheek as she screams, "Alucard!" again._

_Her arms are shaking. She has the urge to hold herself, but she knows she must stay strong, so she does what she can by squeezing her hands into fists. It doesn't have the same effect. "That's an order. Alucard." He continues to disappear. It's so peaceful. So graceful. So wrong. It seems so unreal. The ground should be shaking. Rocks should be tumbling. That big stupid screen should be shattering, just as the world is inside of her shatters, as well._

_"Don't disappear!" she cries. Her face is filled with pain, her mind filled with questions, but Alucard is completely accepting of his fate. He's really giving up._

_"No," he says gently, and for a moment, she thinks her desperate eyes find an apology in the slits left of his. "This is goodbye, Integra." And then, just like that, he is gone, leaving a bloody seal on the sidewalk and a gaping empty feeling in his master. She lets out shallow ragged breaths as the last bits of him float into the air and vanish like he never existed._

_But he did._

_He did exist, and she can remember. She can still see him like he saw him over ten years ago in the dungeons of her mansion. She can still picture him grinning as blood dripped from his chin after a fresh kill. She can envision him walking through the fog, carrying Seras in her first moments as a creature of the night. She watches him run, fight, shoot, defend, protect, drink, live. The vampire Alucard was real. He couldn't be erased, not when she had so many memories. He can't really be gone, not as she notices for the first time that she has felt his presence for most of her life. She can still feel traces of it now, right inside her-_

_Pictures of a silver knife, smoke, and blood flicker across her vision. Her stomach flips._

_"Alucard!" she roars in anguish as the large screen shatters with the last pieces of her heart._

"Too late. You are too late, Alucard." Integra's words were heavy and full of hidden meaning. She turned her head slightly but did not look at the vampire.

_It really had been too late. The baby was still too dependent on Alucard, and he was now gone. Their child would die, and Alucard would truly be erased; the only thing left would be a broken legacy and the broken hearts of those he had always protected._

"I'm sorry." His words also said something more, but he did not expand.

_Either the Major doesn't care about her pain - not that she would expect him to - or he doesn't see it. He tells her with an arrogant smirk, "I haven't done anything, but everything about this subject is disappearing and throwing to lose." She turns to face him, filled with utter hatred._ _"I've been living for this day. I've been living for this moment. In my first war, I lost, but now... I win."_

_Integra has always been a master with words, twisting them, using calm tones to convey angry feelings. Her words could strike fear into any man's heart. At that moment, however, they fail her. She uses the angriest ones she could summon up. "You... You_ bastard!_" she screams. It has little effect on the Major, but it does wonders for her._

_"Isn't this a good thing?" he asks her. "Isn't this victory?"_

_The wall behind them burst open, flooding the room with falling rocks and heat. It is Seras. She lands next to Integra, panting for breath. The taller woman looks at her sidelong, and Seras looks back, eyes wide and filled with sadness._

_It hits Integra. Seras knows. Neither her or Alucard had breathed a word of their plan, but somehow, Seras knows what they did and what Integra is sure to lose. She can see it in the young vampire's eyes; she is filled with rage and prepared to avenge._

_The Major breaks their short eye contact "Are you going to kill me now?" he asks the enraged women. They have no need to answer with words; as they look up at him, their eyes betray all._

_"Hello, Fr__äulein," he greets Seras mockingly. "There is something I don't understand; Alucard couldn't defeat me, but I could defeat Alucard." Integra sees red. "My old enemy, Alucard, is far away. Are you now my new enemy? Now, will you kill me? What are you doing? I'm here! Come to me!"_

___Integra starts her order calmly, but there is something different about her now. "Seras, shoot. Shoot. Shoot!" Integra once had incredible amounts of self-control, but her suffering seems to erode it with each wave. And then the pain washes over her all over again. "Search and Destroy!" she orders, and is torn up inside. "_Search and Destroy!_"  
_

_Seras lets out a yell as she is filled with the same rage. She grips her cannon tightly and shoots the glass with everything she has. When it runs out of ammunition, she reaches into the ground with tendrils of smoke and rips an even larger cannon out of the floor. Finally, with a single shot, the whole thing explodes into clear thick pieces, and the entire left side of the Major's body is torn off. Integra steps slowly towards him. "It's over, Major!"_

_"It looks that way," he responds, remarkably still alive, "but not quite."_

_"Is that you, Major?" Integra's fury builds._

_"That's right. This is me."_

_He is not even a man. He never was. He doesn't have the same fears as mortal men, even those who are more than mortal. He's never had the same vulnerability, not emotionally, and now they know he's never been physically weak either. He's torn apart lives and he's never even felt the same risk as the ones he's killed._

_"He's a machine!" Seras's statement just makes Integra angrier._

_"You shouldn't say such rude things, Fr__äulein. I'm a human," he dares to say as the suffering woman glares at the absence of a heart._

___"Monster," she says, but it feels as if he taints the word. She can think of far better monsters than him, maybe even monsters who were mostly good. Monsters like Alucard. "That's what you are. A monster."_

___"Wrong. I'm a human," he says over the grinding of broken gears in his body. "There's but one thing that makes us human... one's own will. Don't associate me with a monster like Alucard who uses blood as currency of the soul and has to keep on taking in order to live. Don't lump me together with one as feeble as him. As long as I have my own will, should I be reduced to nothing more than a brain floating in a glass jar of culture fluid, or even memory circuits in a huge computer, I'll still be human. Humans are beings of a soul, of mind, of will. Even if he smiles in the guise of a young girl, or if he kneels, full of sentiment, in the guise of a veteran warrior, he is still a monster. Therefore, I do hate him from the bottom of my heart. I do not approve of Alucard, the vampire! He is a human-like monster, and I am a monster-like human, but I am me."_

___Integra is livid, but she forces herself to concentrate. 'He has a brain; I can kill him for good."_

___The Major continues, "I'm not the same as you. All the wars of this world come down to that one thing, and they have done so since humans were first born on this rock. You think you are not the same as me either? We declared war on each other a long time ago. now, let us wage it," he invites. She seethes._

___Integra finally flings her coat and draws her pistol. She walks towards him with purpose._

___One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. The Major misses seven times before she halts a mere three feet away. The general looks intently at her with a wide smile. She glares back at the man she deems responsible for the deaths of three people very close to her. 'Walter.' One second passes. 'Alucard.' Two. 'Our son.' BOOM._

___They both shoot, and for once, the Major comes close to killing her; his bullet hits the left lens of her glasses and the shards cause extensive damage to her eye. She barely notices, choosing to focus her remaining eye on the neat hole in the center of the Major's head. He bounces once, muttering something about hitting his target for the first time, and then falls back into a splatter of blood and steel parts._

___"This was," he struggles to say, but smiles nonetheless, "it was a great war." And finally, he is dead._

___Integra glares at him. "Die. It's over now," she says, although she knows her suffering is far from that. "A great war, was it, Major?" she questions, lighting a new cigar, not knowing what else she should do._

___She speaks to the corpse, not truly making sense to herself as she talks about such abstract things like war, and death, and humanity... things that cannot truly be defined or explained. Everything she says comes out wrong, so she keeps talking, trying to fix it, but she can't truly express what she means to say, nor can she find a purpose for it. Her head pounds; she is tired. Seras is restless behind her._

___Finally, she finds the words she means to say. "Did you think you could defeat him just by pretending to be human? Fighting is not for the sake of joy; it's to be done for your own obligation, that's why. That's why he will return!" She doesn't know where this senseless hope has come from, but for the moment, it drives her to live. She is more alive than ever before as the whole place goes up in flames, heat slapping her skin. Her eye is gone, and yet she barely feels it; it is nothing compared to the rage, torment, and pride that surge through her all at the same time._

___And then... more grief. "Walter!" she yells, sensing the loss of the butler who has served her family for the longest time._

___She trembles, face twisted from a slew of emotions. "Walter died," she states, hardly able to breathe._

___Seras looks over at her, fearing for her safety. She reaches her before she can say, "Seras, let's go."_

___She wraps her arm around the taller woman and they take off not a moment before her knees would have given out. For the first time, Integra Hellsing is weak. She feels like she has lost everything._

It was not the time or place to say anything more, at least not with Seras in the room. Pushing her painful memories aside, Integra finally looked at her servant and said, "You must feel like drinking blood, don't you? From me," she offered kindly.

"Ah! Yes! Thirty years without eating anything. I'm hungry!"

She walked towards him, and she felt the weight of thirty long years on her shoulders. She was saddened once more. "I am already an old woman." She didn't say it aloud, but she told him in her head, 'I can no longer give you what you once desired. I can no longer have what I once desired, either.'

She could almost believe that Alucard could hear her thoughts, or at least know what she meant by the words that she had chosen so carefully. He said, "That's fine with me," and it was also filled with meaning.

"Hmph." She gave a rare smile as she bit down on her ring finger, letting her blood flow just as freely and pure as it did when she was young. She offered it to him.

"Welcome home, Count."

"I am home, Countess." The title he used for her seemed to comfort and trouble her all at once.

* * *

**CCcckckckckrrkshcsshshsCRASH There goes my heart. Jeez, I hate writing the sad stuff. I can't wait until this story gets happier.**

**Anyways, heart-wrenching goodness coming up next chapter.**

**And for anyone wondering about _Heart of the T.A.R.D.I.S.,_ I AM making progress, albeit slow progress. Don't worry, I'd say there's a new chapter in store by early next month (I do have midterms; go easy on me, people).**

**Please review! I'd love to hear from everyone who reads this. REVIEW FOR ME. please and thank you.**


	3. Integra Cries

**New chapter! Enjoy! If you like crying! Because I did not have a dry face the entire time I was writing this! That's not true! That's an exaggeration! But I did cry a lot!  
**

**No, but really, you won't enjoy it. You'll hate it; I guarantee.**

**Whatever. Read it. It's a good distraction from midterms, I'll give it credit for that.**

* * *

_Seras and Integra barely escape the fire, but they finally find themselves heading towards safety. However, both are so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that it takes Seras ten whole minutes to point out a problem._ _"Umm, Sir? Where are we going?" she asks Integra._

_"What do you mean?" the taller woman responds with closed eyes._

_Seras continues to jump from building to building, as far away as she possibly can from the Nazi base in no particular direction. The city is in ruins, the streets filled with blood and water and oil. Flames burst from windows and from the shells of cars... and human beings. It seems that there is no safe place, no safe haven for those who need it._

_"Where am I taking you? Where are we going to go?" Seras gets a bad footing, and the two women almost join the crumbling frame in its fall from the building they've just landed on._

_"Home, of course, Seras. Back to the mansion- oh."_

_That's right. There's nothing left. The Hellsing headquarters has always seemed like some far-off indestructible place. In reality, it's not been spared any of the destruction of the city around them. There isn't a "home" to go to._

"So, you're home," Integra said to Alucard as she brushed out her hair. Seras had left them alone for a necessary talk, so it was just the two of them, Integra sitting on the edge of her bed and Alucard standing next to her.

"It's been far too long," the vampire grinned. "I hardly recognized half of the mansion. It's somehow... different."

"Well," she replied, running the hairbrush through the ends of her whitish-blonde hair, "much of the house was destroyed during the final battle. Over eighty percent had to be rebuilt. We lost most of the furniture," she commented, looking at the room around her, "and some were family heirlooms and antiques that could not be replaced. Several rooms have been completely redone: the dining hall, the conference room, my bedroom here, and others."

"How irksome. Where did you stay right after the war?"

"We were in Chiswick until this place was restored."

_Integra puts a hand to her forehead. "Ugh. Let me think." She rubs the bridge of her nose and removes her glasses, dropping them to the ground; they are of no use to her in their condition. "My family has several small homes scattered over the country. Some are taken care of; others are not as carefully tended to." She pauses once more to think, but it's hard; she has a pounding headache, she's dizzy, and their constant movement from rooftop to rooftop is not helping. "I believe... The closest one that is in decent condition is in the center of Chiswick. It should have escaped the damage, at least structurally, although I can't say the same for the staff if they were attacked."_

_Seras turns a bit to her right, and they continue towards the temporary headquarters._

_"We don't have staff there all the time, of course." Seras can't help but notice that Integra sounds incredibly tired. She is, but she also feels a strong urge to speak, despite any fatigue. It gives her an odd sense of comfort to tell the vampire about their new safe haven. "The manor at Chiswick, along with some other Hellsing houses, is kept clean and stocked with food, supplies, and weapons at all times. It's checked on and restocked with perishable food items... and blood, once a week. It's also thoroughly cleaned once a month. The security systems are up to date, and it is just as well-fortified as our normal headquarters. There are other houses and shelters closer to us right now, but I can't be sure about the situation with food and blood."_

_By this time, they are on the ground and Seras is sprinting down an abandoned street. Despite the emptiness around them, this part of London hasn't been damaged as much as it was to the east of them._

_"It's okay, Sir Integra. We should be there soon enough; there's no need to find somewhere closer."_

_"Look, Seras. You see that hill in the distance?"_

_"The one with three houses at the bottom and another at the top?"_

_"Yes. We're going to the big one at the top of the hill. The other three used to be quartering for servants when this place was used. After all, my father and uncle both traveled around the country often, even other parts of Europe before technology eliminated that need. Those places should be rented out now, but they are still owned by the Hellsing Organization in case there is ever a need for them."_

_"Like now?"_

_"That won't be necessary. There is more than enough room for you and me, even if we did take on staff, like a butler..." Integra trails off and the conversation ends there._

_Two minutes later, Seras sits Integra on the front steps as she rifles through her pockets for her keys. Once she pulls them out, she still has trouble finding the correct one; there are dozens on her ring for the gates, front doors, offices, and bedrooms of various locations, not to mention the keys to her totaled car. That one is easy to find; she removes it and throws it on the ground before struggling to find the one for the front door. Her headache is only worse than before and she can't see properly. It's dark, she's missing an eye, and she doesn't have her glasses. Finally, she picks out the right one, and hands it to Seras, hardly having the strength to keep herself upright in her seated position as the younger woman turns the key in the lock and opens the large wooden door. The pair shuffle through, Integra leaning heavily on Seras's shoulder._

"Interesting. I'd have thought that it would be destroyed."

"The damage was mostly to the west and north. The fires came close, but they never reached us."

"How long did you live there?"

"A little over six months."

"All alone," he said.

"With Seras. Nobody else, not for all these years. I've thought about hiring a new butler, but after Walter... We've had maids, but they don't stay here. We've been on our own."

"What did you do?"

"For a while, we just tried to live. Live, and repair the damage. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes we failed. You can't fix everything like a tear in your clothes or a loose nail in the wall."

_Once inside, the young women collapse onto the front stairs and stay there for a moment, breathing deeply and taking in their surroundings. After a moment, Integra reaches up and flicks the light switch as Seras laughs nervously as if to ask, 'What do we do now?'_

_Thankfully, she doesn't have to ask. Integra's been forming a plan in her mind for the past ten minutes, and she orders the vampire, "Help me up the stairs and I'll give you the code for the alarms." She points Seras towards the master bedroom and bathroom, and once they're there, she opens the top drawer of the nightstand and pulls out a slip of paper. "Here they are: one for the front door, one for the garage, two for the doors in back, and one for the balcony on this floor. Make sure they blink red, or they haven't been set properly. We have to make sure we're secured; there are still rogue vampires wandering around and we can't afford to fight them right now."_

_"Okay, Sir. Tell me if you need anything," the vampires says warily, eyeing her master with concern before leaving the room._

_Integra stumbles into the bathroom, and grips the counter as she stares as her pained, blood-streaked face._

_"I'm not giving up on you," she growls softly._

_Her eye hurts like hell, but the first thing she does is clean and cover the wounds on her right arm that were caused by falling objects during her escape from the fire. She is bleeding most at the shoulder; she removes her shirt and hisses as she applies hydrogen peroxide which bubbles up and makes the damaged flesh sting. She then pours cool water over it, and after seeing the full extent of the slashes on her arm (and the copious amounts of blood that are being lost from them), pulls out a small white box, opens it, and threads a surgical needle. She only gives herself a moment to prepare before she sticks it into her arm and begins to give herself stitches. She grits her teeth and ignores the screams of pain from her skin; she is losing more blood than she and her luckless child can afford._

_After her arm is tended to, she finally takes a look at her left eye. She tries to open it with no success; the lids are no longer functional and it's highly unlikely that there is much left of the eye itself. She rinses it and applies gauze; not much more can be done without a visit to the hospital where there are other patients far worse-off than she._

_Therefore, she strips down, washes herself with a few small towels to remove some of the grime and dried blood, and steps into the bedroom to find something to wear to bed. __She has just slipped into an oversized shirt and is sitting on a cedar chest to button up her makeshift nightgown as Seras returns, having completed her check of the alarms._

_The vampire hesitates before asking, "Still in one piece?" Integra knows that she means more than just herself._

_She gives her a strained smirk that honestly looks more like a grimace. "For the most part. I'm going to do everything I can. I'm not throwing in the towel yet."_

_Seras beams. "I knew you wouldn't!" She then backs away shyly, realizing how cheery and out-of-place she's managed to sound. She feels as if she's being insensitive. "Umm... would you like me to make up the bed for you?" she offers._

_"I think I can handle it," says Integra, trying not to verbalize her struggle to stand. She lets out a small grunt nonetheless._

_"I insist," Seras says quickly, and Integra doesn't fight her; instead she thankfully sinks back onto the chest as Seras retrieves fresh pillowcases from the drawer to her right._

_She takes the opportunity to think. Deep in her heart, Integra may know that it's a hopeless cause, but she's determined to save the baby in any way she can. Her mind is racing over everything her family ever did to make Alucard what he was, everything that her father taught her about the species, every little thing that she knows about vampires and what they require to live. Complicated equations, rituals, and everything else flies across her vision, but she can't think. Nothing makes sense, nothing works, and she's at a complete loss with all these complex ideas floating around in her mind._

_So she simplifies. 'What does everyone know about vampires? What is their primary need?'_

_And she knows what she might have to do._

_"Seras..." she says after the vampire has finished making the bed. "I know you'll probably want to rest-"_

_"Oh no, Sir. I-I'm fine," she assures her._

_"Could you please make me something to eat? I don't seem to have the energy," she admits._

_"Of course, Sir Integra. It's no problem," she grins and rushes out the door. Two seconds later, she pops her head back into the room. "Umm... which way is the kitchen?"_

_"Down the stairs, turn left, go straight, and then left again."_

_"Got it."_

_Once Seras's footsteps are out of earshot, Integra rises and peers around the corner. The stairs are clear._

_She grips the banister tightly and shuffles down silently. She turns right at the bottom, and then heads down another flight of stairs, stopping now and then to check behind her._

_Finally, she's in the cellar. She passes many coffins on her way to the far side of the room, empty coffins that Walter once rifled through to find one for Seras. They unnerve her; she tries not to look at them and tries not to think about the fact that she's technically in a vampire's lair, albeit unoccupied. Despite that, when she opens the refrigerator, she finds it fully stocked with fresh medicinal blood. She furrows her brow and grabs the nearest one._

_Steps behind her reveal another's presence. She gasps and whirls around, the packet slipping from her hand and spiraling to the ground. It hits and explodes as she makes eye contact with a shocked Seras._

_"I'm sorry. I heard some noise and was worried it might be a vampire."_

_"Seras, there's an explanation," Integra says weakly, suddenly feeling the need to lean against the wall. Seras, not speaking a word, allows Integra to lean on her shoulder once more as she leads her up two flights of stairs and back into the master bedroom. Once Integra is in bed, she tries to explain once more, "Seras-"_

_"What do you need?" __The older woman is silent, looking angrily down at the covers. She feels weak. She also feels like a monster. She feels wrong. __"Right," says the vampire, deciding not to wait for a response. "One packet of each blood type. I'll be right back."_

_Integra shudders. It isn't until she notices the wetness on her cheek that she realizes she is crying. She wipes away the offending tears before Seras can return to see her in such a state._

_She knows she must be desperate. Integra Hellsing would never consider stooping so low unless it was a dire need. She has eight packets of blood sitting in front of her, something that she never thought would happen._

_She picks up the B positive first: Alucard's blood type, or at least what it was when it was tested and recorded years ago. Seras hands her a pair of scissors. Taking a deep breath, she cuts it open and drinks before she has the chance to back out._

_She gags immediately._

Alucard merely nodded in response, focusing on opening a packet of medicinal blood. Integra flinched and he noticed, asking, "What?"_  
_

The woman shook her head. "Nothing."

_It takes all of Integra's will to not spit out the half-mouthful of blood that she's taken in. Little by little, she lets it trickle down her throat, scrunching her eyes in the hope that they might mask the taste, but they don't. She shakes her head and inhales deeply, bracing herself for a second go. She tilts back her head and drinks again. She barely swallows three times before she fears she is going to be sick._

_"Water," she coughs, and Seras hastily hands her the glass. She sips on the water and nibbles on bread until her stomach has settled again._

_An hour later, three fourths of the blood packet has been consumed, although Integra has thrown up twice. Despite being thoroughly disgusted however, Integra feels better above all. Stronger._

_It is now past four in the morning. Seras draws the curtains, shuts the lights, and retreats to the basement. Both women sleep fourteen straight hours, Seras waking up a mere ten minutes before Integra also rises._

Integra avoided Alucard's eyes. "You disobeyed my order, Alucard," she tried to say sternly, but her words ended up being slightly sad instead.

"It was not my choice."

Silence.

Integra sighed, deciding it was time to face the elephant in the room. "Do you know what happened?"

"To me?" Her look answered his question. "You mean what happened to you when I 'died.'"

"Yes."

For once, Alucard's face is absent of its wolfish grin as he strolls around the corner of the bed and stops directly in front of the blonde woman to study her features. "Not the specifics, but I have a general idea." Integra looks down, forming a large scowl as she thinks back into a past she'd rather forget.

_Integra is a fighter at heart, and it's probably the only thing that's kept her child alive for this long._

_Twelve days. Her baby should have ceased to exist twelve days ago, nearly thirteen, but Integra does everything she can to make up for who used to support most of the child's life. She drinks blood, or rather, she _gags_ it down. A, B, AB, O. Positive, negative. Integra has a bit of each every day and does her best to keep it down. It's not an easy task; in addition to blood, she's also eating as much as she possibly can, and she hasn't adjusted to the loss of her eye; it makes her dizzy and queasy. She's also given up her cigars which is enough to make any situation seem like a catastrophe._

_She sleeps a lot, especially during the day, and she does it in a pitch black room. She doesn't leave the adjoining bedroom and bathroom; if she wants something, she calls Seras to get it for her, who is more than happy to oblige. It's a huge annoyance for her to be doing such little work, but her determination keeps her following this difficult lifestyle. She still manages to keep herself busy as she pours over her father's books, hoping for some miraculous way of bringing Alucard back or assuring the survival of the baby. Nothing comes up, but she still searches anyways. She also dedicates some of her time into staring at an old photograph. It's the only one of Alucard she has. Integra hopes that if she continues to look at it and remember Alucard, he won't be truly erased from existence. She recognizes and remembers him from the past, and she brings those memories to the present._

_In the corner, there is a small white crib, a crib that used to be her own. Every now and then, she forces herself to look at that as well, hoping that it will keep up her strength and determination. She will see a baby laying in that crib if it's the last thing she does._

_She winces. There's a dull pain in her stomach that appears every few hours. It's been there for a week._

_She's constantly in mild pain, but she never complains, not once. Integra's been shot, stabbed, punched, and kicked. She's fallen, she's run into things, she's gotten more than a fair share of paper cuts. Pain is nothing new; if anything, it drives her to try even harder to save her child's life._

_A clock sounds off from down the hall. It is midnight. Thirteen days._

Integra closed her eye. "Alucard." Her voice was soft and she shook her head as she spoke.

Alucard sat next to her. "What happened?"

_"Sir?" asks a concerned Seras._ _She finds Integra standing by her bed. Her hands squeeze her waist and she is bent over, blonde hair nearly touching the floor. Seras cannot see her face. "Is everything okay?"_

_The woman straightens with just the slightest expression of discomfort on her face. "I'm fine. Just a little sore and tired. I'm going back to bed."_

"Well, first, I gave up my cigars, but that didn't last for long," she told him, putting one in her mouth and glaring at him as if to make a point.

Alucard did not appreciate the lighthearted joke. "Integra."

She turned her head away from him under the pretext of lighting it; she didn't think she could look at him as she told him her story.

_Integra wakes back up with a dry throat. Groaning as much as her parched vocal chords allow, she reaches for the glass on the nightstand._

_Empty._

_With another groan, Integra flips herself out of bed, pausing for just a moment as an ache shoots up the right side of her body._

_"Shit," she hisses angrily. The pain is starting to get to her. It's nothing she can't handle, but the constant discomfort is becoming a great annoyance. On top of that, she's dizzy again, dizzier than normal. The combination of her impaired vision and her current state of dehydration is causing her to be particularly lightheaded._

_"I'll just be extra careful," she breathes, placing her hands on the wall for extra support. As she rounds the corner and reaches the stairs, she grips the banister tightly and descends step by step, careful not to lose her balance._

"Everything was fine," she said ruefully. "We were just fine."

_Integra makes it to the kitchen without a problem. Seras is already there, sucking blood through a straw like it's a milkshake or a fruity drink._

_"Sir Integra!" she exclaims, not expecting the older woman to appear. She stands as Integra retrieves a glass from the cupboard. "Why didn't you call me, Sir?" Integra points at her throat. "Oh, you need water! I'll get you some!" She takes the glass and fills it up._

_When she turns around, Integra is bent over with a pained expression on her face. "Sir?" Integra motions for the water; Seras complies._

_She takes a sip. "I'm fine," she tells the vampire. "I just didn't sleep very well. I'm sore." She kneads at her back with a groan. "Thank you for the water. I think I'll go back to bed now."_

_"Do you need anything else?" Seras calls._

_She turns around to look at her, hand on her hip so her thumb can massage her lower abdomen. __"Maybe some tea. Thank you, Seras."_

___Seras puts a kettle on the stove as Integra shuffles back to the stairs._

"Everything was fine for thirteen days after you disappeared. No problems, no incidents to speak of." The vampire stiffened.

_Seras is getting the tea leaves out of the cupboard when she hears a loud shattering sound of a breaking glass. It is followed by a bloodcurdling scream seconds later. The hair on the back of her neck raises and her heart skips a beat. For a moment, she doesn't know what to do. And then, she runs. She sprints down the hall and her legs feel as if she's running faster than lightning. In her mind, however, every step feels like it's taking hours too long. She counts the milliseconds between the hollow echoes as each heel meets the ground and it seems to take an eternity to reach the end of the hall._

_She whirls around the corner, but it feels like a slow-motion spin. Each step now ends with a "_crunch" _as she treads over the slivers of glass. There are tears in her eyes._

_Integra is hunched over on the third step of the stairs, both arms wrapped tightly around the banister, as if refusing to fall could save her child's life. Her single blue eye is wide; it begs Seras for help as a steady stream of blood runs down her leg._

_She finally lets go and collapses in a crumpled heap, shaking violently. She is extremely pale and already covered in sweat. Her hands are clenched into fists so tightly that her nails have broken the skin on the palms of her hands and blood also runs down her arms. She takes ragged shallow breaths; she chokes on the air as if it is water or poisonous gas filling her lungs. It takes Seras a moment to realize that Integra is hyperventilating. She doesn't know what to do; she can only stand and stare as the bottom of Integra's shirt turns red and a pool of blood forms around her on the stairs. Integra's wide eye darts around the room and her open mouth quivers without making a sound other than desperate gasps as she clutches her middle hysterically._

_Sir Integra, Hellsing's fearless leader, is so terrified that she can't even cry. She can't even _breathe_. What does that make Seras?_

_"S-ss," Integra tries to get enough air to speak. "Seras," she gasps, trembling even harder._

_"M-master." Her lip quivers._

_"Help me," she breathes, a bloody hand reaching out. Her eye rolls back; it takes all she has to force it forwards and keep it open. She doesn't allow herself to pass out._

_Seras scoops her up in her arms as tenderly as she can in a timely manner and carries her up the stairs, through the bedroom and into the bathroom. Integra sits on the edge of the bathtub with a cry of anguish and doubles over. She heaves and the porcelain is splattered with her last meal. She stays in that position; spit, sickness, and blood hanging from her lip._

_Seras hands her a paper cup of water from the tap. She drinks very little and spits out the rest. Seras refills the cup and puts it into Integra's shaking hands before laying towels over the sheets on the mattress. Integra will want to sleep as soon as the worst of this is over, and she'll want to do it in her own bed._

_She rushes back into the bathroom and runs water in the tub, rinsing away the mess before allowing it to fill. She gently helps Integra remove her clothes, all stained by blood at this point, and dips a cloth in the water. Integra sheds her very first tears as she looks down on the small bump in her stomach. It will be gone soon enough. She lays a hand on it without knowing that both are covered in her own blood; as she pulls it away, her heart jumps at the scarlet handprint. She tries to wipe it off with her other hand, but it only adds more, and her belly is smeared with crimson. She breaks down, quivering fingers staining her face red as well._

_Seras removes her glasses as calmly as possible and cleans away Integra's blood as best as she can. There is only so much she can do; Integra's bleeding is heavier with every passing minute._

_Once her hands and face are clean, Seras wraps her in a towel and guides her to the bed, doing the best she can to shield Integra's view of the trail of scarlet she leaves behind her._

"And then?" he asked.

"Trouble."

_"Seras," cries the shivering woman. For the past two days, Integra has not spoken a word about what is happening to her. All she's done is asked for food, water, and books. She pours over them desperately, futilely searching every page for anything that could help her, and she does it with a mask. Since the first time Seras left her on her own, she has not betrayed a single emotion except determination, but now, the books are closed and her face is covered in tears. "Please." Her face is twisted in grief and pain. "Can you save him? Isn't there anything you can do?"_

_"Master." She kneels at the edge of the bad and grabs the pale woman's hand. "If I could, I'd have done it already." Tears well up in the vampire's eyes._

_"Gah!" Integra's breaths are heavy. The worst seems to have come. Seras stays silently with her for hours as the layers of towels become increasingly crimson and replaces them, trying to ignore the moans that come from the poor woman's mouth. She sits next to her, stroking her hair and holding her hand without a single word. She gives her water and wipes the sweat off her brow without a single complaint._

_Four hours later, Integra breaks the silence. "This is all my fault," she murmurs, staring blankly at the wall._

_"No! No, Sir, it's not!"_

_"It is, Seras. I should have done something. I should have kept myself healthier. I should have protected Alucard. I should have warned him! I should have stopped__ Millennium before they could cause all of this death and destruction!" she growls. "Fuck!" she gasps, and retreats into her bowed position, grinding her teeth and holding her belly. The blood spreads quickly._

_"You couldn't have done anything more than you did. You couldn't have known, Sir."_

_"But I_ did_ know it would happen. I just didn't know what to do about it."_

_They are silent once more. Within the next two hours, Integra has passed the baby and the placenta. She looks at it for half a minute before softly asking Seras to take it away. When Seras returns, the only sign of her struggle that is left is the blood soaked towels and the paleness of her skin. The expression on her face is fitting of someone who has just watched a particularly boring film. Her tears are gone. She bleeds silently._

_"Sir?"_

_Integra politely asks the vampire to give her some privacy. She spends the next week in isolation behind a locked door. She cleans up after herself. She drinks water from the tap and doesn't eat. She only responds when Seras knocks on the door to make sure she's alive; she simply says, "Yes," and not a word more than that._

"He was gone in three days," Integra disclosed bluntly.

"Pity. With those genes, he would have been handsome."

Integra growled. "Damn you to hell, Alucard! It's not a joke." She stood up and paced to the other side of the room. Alucard backed off, and she hesitated for a moment, unsure if she wanted to reveal something so personal to her servant and the would-be father of her child. She took a deep breath from her cigar. "In the end... I really wanted it," she revealed, sticking her free hand in her pocket.

_Seras is relieved to see Integra once again. After a week of isolation, she's finally stepped out of her room in a fresh shirt and pants, hair wet from a recent shower. She doesn't seem to be in pain, but Seras knows she has a high tolerance for discomfort and she may not be revealing everything that she feels, physically and emotionally. In fact, if Seras didn't know Integra better, she would say that _she_ was the only one affected by the whole ordeal, but she knows Integra is constantly wearing a mask, and she's definitely been shaken._

_Despite that, she looks as healthy as a woman can look after losing an eye in battle, suffering a miscarriage, and fasting for a week. She's thin; she's lost what little baby weight she had and more, but she also looks strong. Her whole body is lean, and its toned quality prevents her from looking sickly. Her face is thin and hollowed too, but if anything, it adds maturity and wisdom to her face. She may have the looks of a twenty-year-old woman, but she has the eye of someone who has seen hundreds of years worth of life. And death._

"But it's too late now. You don't need a child, and I'm too old to have one, nor do I want that any longer."

"Why wait for me? You still could have had one."

She pauses, thinking of all the reasons she stayed a virgin, and choosing the one that stood out most clearly. "I thought about it for a while, but I was never happy. Every day, the world seems to have less people and more dogs. I could never find anyone."

"They were all below your _servant_?"

She turned to face him. "What you and I did was something very different, Alucard. No, I was looking for a family. I was looking for a man as righteous as my father. There weren't any. So I gave up-no. No, I never gave up; I accepted it as fact and moved on so I could accomplish other things. I accepted reality." She sighed and adjusted her glasses. "It does not matter now. I've come to realize by now that this is no longer the time of family-run organizations. When I die, Hellsing will become another government operation. That doesn't bother me the way it used to."

_The second Integra opens the door, she turns back into the room. Seras fears that she may lock herself in again, but the door stays open, and Seras finds out the heartbreaking reason why._

_"Excuse me, Seras," says Integra, pushing the crib past her as casually as if it was a grocery cart._

_"Sir Integra! Please, let me-"_

_"Stay back!" she orders. She furrows her brow and adds more softly, "No. This is something that I must do alone." However, she allows Seras to silently follow her to the room at the end of the hall. There, she unlocks the door, and pushes the crib into the center of the room._

_She pulls a picture out of her pocket, the picture of Alucard she's been staring at for two weeks. She smiles at it sadly until her emotions destroy her serene facade and a tear runs down her cheek. She wipes it away and puts the picture in the crib, turning away and not looking back. Integra doesn't smile or cry again for almost half of a year._

_She locks the door behind her and is immediately attacked by the shorter woman. "Seras, what-?!" It takes her a moment to realize that the vampire has pulled her into a tight hug. She sighs, the tenseness of her body lessening as she reciprocates cautiously._

_"I'm sorry about your baby, Sir Integra."_

_She doesn't respond right away, but eventually says, "Thank you, Seras."_

_They never mention it to each other again._

* * *

**Man, that sucks. That is some seriously depressing shit right there.**

**Fuck it, I'm done with that. Rainbows and sunshine from now on. Don't complain; that's all you're gonna get.**

**But with all joking put aside, I think we've all had our fill of tragedy. Things will start to look better from here, I promise.**

**DW fans: I have about half of the next chapter of _Heart of the TARDIS_ written. It should be ready to go soon; I finally feel like it's coming together. Please be patient!**

**To everyone else: PLEASE REVIEW IT MEANS THE WORLD! thanks ;)**


End file.
